Klah’s Royal Master Artist Commences Teleporting Between the Hemispheres

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After mincing around a bunch of castles and countries and canal boats in the Northern Hemisphere, acquiring a raging pair of sequinned leggings and many, many new allies with bittersweet partings, the Royal Master Artist has recently teleported back to the Southern Hemisphere and constructed a new studio, situated somewhere between New Zealand and Klah / a creek and a river, where the walls between universes are particularly thin. This means, although the darkroom for making new screens is still underway, printing is back on now! After digging a tunnel and donning a couple of high quality grasshopper costumes, The Klah Gazette has managed to secretly obtain this image of the new studio…

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While in our surreptitious grasshopper costumes, listening to the many conversations the Royal Master Artist seems to have with her dog, we also obtained the information that there will be Kingdom of Klah portals at the Ngatimoti Festival this Sunday 22nd, and at the formally Culverden Fête, now The Christmas Country Fête in Waipara, Thursday 26th October. See you there citizens!

www.kingdomofklah.com

Klah Radio presents: Tales from Klah

Klah Radio, official radio station for the Kingdom of Klah brings you Tales from Klah, the stories behind some of the mysterious island nation’s inhabitants and places.

Tracks:
Intro (0.00)
The Accordion of Unexpected Fortunes (1.06)
Sponglerip Beach: A Cautionary Tale (3.00)
The Lantern Moths’ Commemoration (3.58)
The Unchartered Cavern of Aemarak (5.24)
Nicholas Spickelspak and the Storm in a Teacup (6.10)
The Floating Head Exchange(7.36)
The Cove of Dreams (8.56)
The Invisible Man of Vindlekind (9.48)
Raymond & The Dreamgirl (10.41)
The Mask (12.13)
The Fountain of Vanity & Slugs (13.48)
The Googly Man in the Tree (15.08)
Song of the Wolf Fox (16.06)
The Snakebird Gold Pikeletcycle Gang (16.40)
Frederick the Friendless (18.25)
Les Moon, Poet (Prolific) (19.30)
The Royal K (21.00)
The Sailor’s Pocket (22.30)
Mystic Charles’ Secret (23.46)
The Zazzy Selrahc Cult (22.55)
The Strongest Man in Klah (27.20)
News Update – Missing Prince Discovered A Century Later(29.08)
News Update – Mysterious Time Travelling Archway Raises Questions in Leatherham (31.29)
News Update – Levitating Rock Discovered on Small Yak Farm (33.30)
Klah House & Garden Advertisement – Snazzlerazz the Terrible (35.11)
The Eyes of Unknown Intent (37.18)
Brian Bird-Lion (39.30)
The Yeti’s Dilemma (40.46)
Sacred Feather (42.06)
The Merman’s Circus (43.40)
Horatio, Guardian of the Limes (44.51)
The Hypnotic Cobra (45.58)

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Royal Master Artist Journeys Inside Snake

Three days ago I went inside a really long snake under the sea
and when I emerged I was in yet another foreign land, the land of Engle.
It was cold in the reptile, and strange, I had thoughts of Geppetto, but no sooner had a darkness begun to press in on my thoughts, I was expelled, awkwardly, but alive, and with less snake innards on my sweater than expected.
Fortunately someone was filming for your viewing pleasure:
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Magnus Magic-Hands wins people’s prize for coolest burglar in Klah

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Change is a natural part of human life. Many people change their homes, their jobs, their interests, and sometimes their underwear. A few change into butterflies, or frogs, or wisened old people. Not many are able to change their body parts at will however – in fact Magnus P. Smithson is certainly the only person any of us at the Klah Gazette has heard of, and we even asked the delivery boy, who seems to know many characters both unsavoury and sweet, which are apparently different things.

Ever since he found himself adrift in the strange current of life, Magnus P. Smithson, also known as Magnus Magic-Hands, has always been both the easiest, and most difficult person to buy gloves for. This is not because he has fingers like fat little sausages or has no interest in glove fashion trends, but because he was born with the strange ability to be able to change his hands as one may change their hairstyle, if one were in a magical wig factory of infinite proportions. Early on, on he discovered this strange talent led to another talent: the ancient art of burglaring, for not only could he use some of his more powerful hands to snip through locks and lift large objects out of the way, he never left a traceable fingerprint. Perhaps because his mother was a plumber, and his mother’s mother had been a magpie, he also had a penchant for silver taps, and a house suddenly devoid of the usual gemstones and rare artworks, but also taps, became his signature burglar mark. For some unexplainable reason, as many things the mass population likes are unexplainable, to be burgled by Magnus Magic-Hands rapidly became desirable, as if one had been selected personally by Magnus as a vote of popularity, and many front doors started mysteriously being left open, and ladders conveniently left next to windows. People who had recently been burgled began to hold elegant parties in their tapless homes, though these generally didn’t last long when people realised they couldn’t slick their hair back in the mirror, and that nobody was washing their hands. And now the people themselves have returned this vote of popularity, with Magnus taking out number 1. in the heated bi-annual Coolest Burglar in Klah competition, beating long time classic favourite and only other entrant, the Burglavorous.

Many hands are raised for you tonight, Magnus.

Klah’s Rare Musical Note Found to Improve Social Lives

jules-seatoun-rogerThe Earl of Whippet (above), with Roger (further above)

Many things exist in Klah that do not exist in other countries, such as ice cream made from twigs, and twigs made from ice cream. There are lakes that seize people and turn them into blueberries, levitating rocks, shrubberies with Foresight, and musical busking trees – and on that note, there is also a rare musical sound found only in Klah, the elusive K-minor, which has usefully been described by those who have heard it as a cross between a seahorse and a snacking quiche.

Although the K-minor can be produced from within, it cannot be produced very often by the average voicebox – that is, unless one has recently feasted on the liver of the Klangfarbenmelodie Bird (K-bird). Since a national awareness campaign was started in the ’90s, most citizens of Klah now recognise the K-birds’ right to life over their own desire to produce a seahorse + snacking quiche noise – unfortunately, with the exception of another of Klah’s natural phenomena, their special breed of native singing cat, who make it a policy to catch and gobble every Klangfarbenmelodie Bird they can find, and then belt out all their favourite tunes in K-minor.

For this reason many K-birds develop a symbiotic relationship with others, such as the Earl of Whippet, pictured here  with his good friend Roger. The Earl is able to defend Roger from liver-stealing cats, and in turn Roger, particularly on wild journeys through swamps and jungles, protects the Earl from being troubled by insects such as bloodsucking Vacuumflies and stinging Saltbeetles. “Not to mention our great chats”, says the Earl. “There is something comforting about having a little voice on top of your head, not just in it. And now when I get invited to banquets and raves, I always have my + 1 sorted.”vaccumfly3

Ancient Sign Makes Dramatic Comeback in Klah to Speak Louder than Ugly Mutterings

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The Mark of the Citizens of the World, which welcomes those migrating, and those that have to leave their homes for various reasons. Beyond entrances displaying the sign, such people can expect to find compassion and assistance for their difficult journey. Although Klah is home to a magnificently diverse population that has historically always been equal regardless of the shape of their hands or the colour of their flippers, and who have always been free to flow from home to home just as a river changes course – more recently there has been some unpleasant discussion on the movement of peoples, an ugly muttering with the potential to spark a fire of fear and burn Klah to the ground. This tension has been brought on by environmental events such as the mysterious drainage of southern sea caves, as well as conflicts in the east between Evergreen and Deciduous trees, who cannot seem to agree on life philosophies, and has resulted in the displacement of many creatures. The ancient Mark of the C.o.t.W has experienced a dramatic comeback recently, as citizens everywhere employ it in a commendable effort to visibly counteract the ugly mutterings and embrace their fellow siblings of Klah. “My heart feels swizzlated whenever I see the Mark”, says Engelbert Boterham,  a young tree-dwelling citizen displaced by the eastern conflicts, on the road to a new home of unknown destination. “I have always believed the gloriousness at the heart of Klah is the understanding that all walks of life have hopes, and dreams, and feelings. People were letting these mutterings fog their minds of this equation, and its answer, compassion. To me the Mark shines back through like a glorious beacon, and I jig when I see it, which means I’m now jigging a lot, which is also fantastic.”

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Chaotic Family Aces Evolution, Aces Life

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A member of the Browface family, exhibiting both an impressive set of eyebrows, and an impressive feat of evolution.

For twelve generations the Browfaces have lived in the desert of Parch-Rah, a sparse region of Klah bathed in an average of 365.25 days of sunlight a year, and although the original Browfaces arrived with their pockets bulging with sunglasses of all shapes and sizes, they soon found that for several reasons this approach was impractical. This was partly because they were the kind of people who needed back up housekeys for their back up housekeys, and had to wear sandals because they could never find any socks – for they were always losing things, and naturally their sunglass reserves quickly dwindled, and then became a distant memory, existing only in the tales of their pilgrimage to Parch-Rah passed down to their children. Secondly, the Browfaces had left their lives as statue polishers in the south to come to the desert and farm Guinea Tiffles, large birds with resplendent feathers which are collected and used to make capes for fashionable city dwellers. Guinea Tiffles are very suspicious creatures, and due to their large talons and powerful beaks, it is important to win their trust. As you yourself may have experienced, it is very hard to trust someone with dark plastic shields covering their eyes (or soul-holes as they literally translate to in Guinea Tiffle). After several useful limbs were lost and much time was wasted in long battles trying to collect the feathers, it was at this point the Browface family began a very clever feat of evolution – as each generation was born, their eyebrows grew longer, stronger, and bushier, and before long they had created their own natural sun protection for their soul-holes. It is said the Guinea Tiffles now trust the Browfaces so much that they even disclose to them their most personal secrets. Now the family has not only made a name for themselves as esteemed Guinea-Tiffle farmers, but have found their way into science textbooks throughout Klah.

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A resplendent example of a Fashionable City Dweller’s Guinea-Tiffle Cape

 

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The Eyes of Unknown Intent

Mystic-Charles,-Meadow,-Eyes-webThe Royal Master Artist amongst potential friends, potential enemies

Sometimes, when one wanders alone in a forest, and the light is dim and the shadows strange, and you begin to wonder if indeed a wrong turn was taken, or if perhaps that conga line of jiving bears would have been best joined rather than avoided – because safety in numbers might be a real thing – sometimes, at these moments The Eyes appear. Not suddenly, like an exploding crab, or with warning like an undergrowth crashing, squealing Sealhog, but silent as a cloud of secrecy, mysterious as the cry of a distant beast in the night, and more ominous than a vanished sock from the wash.

Or are they ominous? Speculation has been rife recently, for no one really knows just what they are up to, for they do not speak or keep diaries,  just hover, and stare, and blink, and thus they have earned the name The Eyes of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

Some groups such as the Over Protective Society have called for them to be arrested, or taxed, or made to wear dark glasses. Recently Klah’s Royal Master Artist, fed up with such uninformed judgement, publicly declared “innocent until proven guilty!” and strode out into the forest alone to determine if the blinks are really some kind of morse code, and to discover just what motivates these mysterious beings. After spending a number of weeks with a colony of Eyes, she believes she may have begun to decode their language.

“So far I have translated this:

Y-O-U – H-A-V-E – V-E-R-Y – F-I-N-E – E-Y-E-S

How lovely. Or is it sleazy? Or just an unusual cultural greeting? Or …are they about to steal my eyes?  I’m very torn between staying to find out, and needing my eyes for my hobbies such as albino stick collecting and truck driving”.

Nobody knows where The Eyes appear from, or how they come to be at all, but the Klah Gazette would like to note the disproportionately high number of blind corners in forests known to contain The Eyes Of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

While the Royal Master Artist is deliberating on making a retreat, hopeful Royal Master Artist candidates may wish to ready their CVs.

 

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Native Sealhog Nominated for NCIK

Klah-Native-SealhogThe native sealhog of Klah, who spends his nights snoring so loudly other forest creatures are forced to migrate great distances, and spends his days crashing loudly through the undergrowth, screaming and squealing like a deranged smoke alarm, has been nominated in the Noisiest Creature in Klah competition. The sealhog is normally found romping around in seaside forests, and many of those who live in these areas have been forced to erect sealhog-proof fences around their properties, covered in sponges and bits of foam to absorb the racket.  You would think, with all this excessive clatter that the sealhog could not possibly manage to catch any prey and that the species should surely have starved to death long ago, but in fact, due to the amount of time his mouth is gaping wide open, a surprising amount of flying grubs and fish find their way into his cavernous mouth.

The Noisiest Creature in Klah competition ends May 7th and the winner will receive a powerful megaphone.

Mysterious Time Travel Archway Raises Questions

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Two weeks ago this mysterious archway appeared overnight in the small inland town of Leatherham, formally known only for producing the toughest meat in the country. Since its arrival on the edge of the town, many people have crossed through the arch, but it is still not known what is on the other side as none that have passed through have returned. This has raised many questions such as:

  • Does it really lead to the future or is it perhaps a ravenous black hole with a clever disguise?
  • Is the future overrun with dangerously violent beasts such as poisonous venom spitting penguins and all that have crossed through have succumbed to a terrible penguin disease?
  • Or is the future so brilliant that those who find their way there have no desire to return?

Those who are still entering the archway seem to believe the latter. The Klah Gazette interviewed a few of those making their way there about what they expected to find:

“I think in the future everyone has tusks, which would be really handy for keeping shopping lists and bits of snacking fruit on,” said an efficient looking woman sucking on a lemon.

“I think woolly mammoths have returned but this time they can fly and humans ride around on them and both the mammoths and humans wear flying goggles that shoot lasers at rainclouds and make them dissolve with cool fizzing sounds,” said an old man in slippers who looked like he may have ridden mammoths the first time round.

“I think open-neck linen shirts will be back in fashion” said an extremely hairy man.

Other archway-goers appear to have inadvertently wandered through because they were too lazy to read the giant flashing sign which is written in both English and native Klah. The Kingdom’s official position on the matter is that those who choose not to read are no great loss, and that those who choose to cross should take several packed lunches, anti-penguin venom (available from your local pharmacy) and an open necked linen shirt.

Tree Pursues Destiny

Tree-follows-destinyWhile out foraging for snizzleberries last week, Hetty Hobnob, a reporter from the Klah Gazette, witnessed a tree decide it was destined for more in life than sitting around hearing tales of the skies from the beaks of birds. She managed a brief interview as it sailed past:

Klah Gazette: This is an important moment in your life. How are you feeling?

Tree: Uplifted, uprooted, excited, and many other three syllable words that I don’t have time for right now.

Klah Gazette: Do you have any advice for those that might follow in your rootsteps?

Tree: Pack snacks and warm socks, these are my only regrets.

And with these wise words it became a speck in the sky of destiny.  

– Hetty Hobnob for The Klah Gazette

Carnivorous Chameleon-Foliage Discovered at Lake Ereinak

Foliage-Gazette The carnivorous chameleon-foliage at Lake Ereinak, West Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

This carnivorous chameleon-foliage was recently discovered near Lake Ereinak and is causing a great deal of controversy across Klah. The Society for the Protection of Bears Against Carnivorous Plants is concerned the foliage is posing as a bear to entice real bears over so it can eat them. The foliage insists it actually loves bears and just wants to congratulate them on being bears, and is even planning to give the next bear that visits him a prize of 1000 honeypots. No honeypots have yet been sighted by The Klah Gazette. We also spoke with the foliage’s dentist who reported seeing suspiciously bear-like hairs in his teeth, though he admitted they could also be from very hairy snails. A spokeswoman for The Society of the Prevention of Discrimination Against Plants, Ms Faux Tosynthesis, issued a statement yesterday concerned that “this is just another example of unfair discrimination against the vegetable kingdom. Why are there never any articles on all the sheep that brutally devour blades of grass all day long? I think you will find the figures are substantially higher and I for one find that far more newsworthy.”

The Klah Gazette Finally Achieves Exclusive Photoshoot with Baroness von Petnickle

Baroness-landscapeAfter a great deal of schmoozing and some several hundred letters with small treats enclosed as bribes, The Klah Gazette is excited to announce we have finally succeeded in a small but magnificent exclusive with the reclusive & elusive Baroness von Petnickle. Barely anyone has spoken to the Baroness since she ran away from home as a teenager on the back of a large harrier hawk, carrying only a ball of twine and a piece of half-eaten toast. For years sightings were reported from various central forests of Klah, witnesses describing an extremely well-dressed and glorious woman hurtling past them astride a golden antelope, tearing through the undergrowth surrounded by leopardhogs, or swinging through the trees with the notoriously surly native tamarinds (Saguinus oldmannus). These days the Baroness lives in a castle built from sticks and moss at the top of a tall tree, accompanied by an extraordinary variety of pets. She now speaks 38 languages, 36 of which are animal based, can identify edible fungi by scent alone, and catches insects with her tongue. A true inspiration.

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Above: The Baroness with two Pineapple birds, which as their shape implies, are indeed descended from pineapples. Unlike most birds, they will not eat berries or fruit as they feel it is carnivorous, opting instead for wholegrains and a selection of nuts.

baroness_snakeAbove: The Baroness with her pet snake Clarence. Clarence works part-time as an eyebrow model enjoys long slithers on the beach, and is one of the Baronesses closest companions.

The Baroness wears The Wolf-Fox, Sacred Feather, and Mystic Charles . Photographed by Nina van der Voorn for The Klah Gazette.

Citizens limber up for Jangjilly-Jive as Klahmas looms

Those of you outside of Klah may be unfamiliar with the coming festivities of Klahmas on December 25th, a national holiday where citizens gobble large quantities of small cakes, dance the Jangjilly-Jive and give each other magnificent gifts such as ear-trumpets, spangly hoof-warmers and, most importantly, Official Royal Garments. With less than a week to go, many citizens have begun doing warm up stretches in preparation for the Jangjilly-Jive, and tailors are making a fortune repairing ripped pantaloons as citizens overestimate their athletic abilities. Several readers have written to us concerned that they can’t remember the correct order of Jive moves, and relaying horror stories of poorly timed kicks knocking cakes and hats and great-aunts flying, so we asked renowned dancer Horatio Simpopple to provide a demonstration of the traditional dance:

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Merry Klahmas and Happy Jangjilly-Jiving, citizens.

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Captain Lilith Receives Queens Award for Piratical Services to the Kingdom

Captain Lilith Receives Recognition for Services to Klah

Captain Lilith, the well known seafaring celebrity + pirate heroine was recently awarded the prestigious Queens Award for Piratical Services to the Kingdom, in recognition of her brave and fearless capture of 72 Magnet-Fingered, Saw-Toothed Pirate Squid. The crew of mischievous squid have been terrorising the seas of Klah for many years by slithering under ships and using their magnet fingers to draw out metal chests of treasure, expensive iron frying pans, electric guitars, several thousand sets of tweezers and passengers with too many fillings. All this bounty is drawn out through holes they have nibbled in the hull of the boat using their saw teeth, and thus the boat normally sinks without so much as a good deck brawl.

“Terrible pirating practice” says Captain Lilith. “It’s cheating, and not in an acceptable piratical fashion either. The scallywags were difficult to catch – every time I got near, my cutlass was whipped out of my hands and my canons malfunctioned. In the end I used a pandemonium of parrots, assisted by monkeys riding on their backs to drop a metallic net on the scoundrels. That snaffled them jolly good.”

Captain Lilith travelled to Vamoose Province to receive the award, which is represented by the famous Fork Medallion & Crown (pictured). The fork – which is believed to be the first major invention in Klah, and has been useful for a number of things over the years, from letter-opening to back-scratching and even spaghetti-guzzling – is used here to symbolise the usefulness of the Captain’s immense contribution to the Kingdom of Klah.

Above: Captain Lilith poses in her prestigious jewels after the awards ceremony (Photo: Nina van der Voorn)

Below: Captain Lilith snapped unusually far from the sea en route to the ceremony, arriving via a teleportal in the Abscondis Forest, Vamoose Province (Photo: The Klahparazzi)

Captain Lilith Arrives Via Teleportal

New Season Expedition Survives Perilous Voyage, Cargo Jubilant

Kingdom_of_Klah_Lake_PomberoLake Pombero, Kingdom of Klah

Today Klah awoke to some magnificent news, that the expedition of new season stock has survived the perilous voyage from Klah to the Kingdom’s Beloved Stockists. Cleverly disguised as a shipment of asparagus-shaped telephones (to avoid detection and being mobbed by excited fans) the expedition travelled through treacherous seas in golden ships, dangerous meadows prone to prickles and underneath terrifyingly unpruned trees. They also crossed not only the tricky Rivers of Deceit, but Lake Pombero (above), famed and feared for its strange purple waters that have been known to seize unsuspecting travellers and turn them into blueberries. Fortunately our crew were very suspecting (see Fig.1 below), there were no blueberry casualties and the cargo has now arrived safely at the Beloved Stockists, and subsequently Online. The Klah Gazette spoke to the Captain of the expedition, who reported no ration shortages or homesick night-snivellers, and indeed a general feeling of excitement amongst the cargo as they speculated on their new homes and owners. Who will they be? Will they be Wine-Drinkers, Cat-Ladies, Hobgoblins or Politicians? Will they like dancing & merriment or cold moonlit nights? Will they live in nests or castles, and do they keep their clothes in elegant wardrobes with gold trimmings, or on the floor where they can roam freely after dark while their owners are sleeping?

One conclusion was drawn: They will all have spectacular taste.

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Musical Tree Releases Album of Woodeny Smash Hits

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The musical tree of Nilreb, which performs heartfelt songs on request, provided listeners perform heartfelt dance moves in return. His woodeny voice has become so popular that he has now signed to a record label and is about to release an album of his favourite catchy covers, including his number one smash hits “My Roots Feel Like Jiving” and “Branches of Disco”. The album is due for Klah-wide release on Friday, so citizens, prepare for the ground to start vibrating soon with heartfelt foot stomping and scissor kicks.

Missing Prince Discovered A Century Later Turned Into Rock, Says He Misses Eating Pikelets The Most

Prince Algernon's Rocky Face, South Klah

Prince Algernon’s Rocky Face, South Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

The Royal Family was rocked this week by the news that one of their relatives has been discovered turned into limestone and living in a cave in South Klah. In June 1908, Prince Algernon went missing at the tender age of 39 whilst out hunting for scrambleberries, and until last week, not a trace had been found of him since. The Klah Gazette interviewed both the Prince himself, and the man who made the startling discovery, Mr Archibald Manuscript, a reputable librarian who was out fossicking in the south of Klah.

“As a reputable libriarian,” says Mr Manuscript, “I have dedicated my life to the art of librarianship. Unfortunately the library insists on giving me days off, and so on these rather inconvenient days I spend my time roaming the country looking for lost pages and missing book jackets, a difficult task but one that must be done. On Saturday my search took me into a rather magnificent cave just outside of Torkeltum. This cave was easily the size of a respectable town library, and filled with magnificent stalactites and stalagmites. I must say that at first I did not notice the face in the rock, and then all of a sudden it sneezed and I was knocked to the ground by several falling stalactites, with every book I had ever catalogued flashing past my eyes. Miraculously finding myself alive, I was further astounded when the cave first apologized, and then asked me if I had any pikelets on me.”

“I was terribly sad when he didn’t”, said the Prince. “I’ve been sitting here for a hundred years, thinking about pikelets for at least half that time, hoping someone would come in and offer me one. The day I disappeared I was out hunting for scrambleberries to eat with my fresh batch of pikelets. I was so excited I think I accidentally popped the wrong berry in my mouth, for the next thing I knew I was here with not a pikelet in sight, and sadly, it has been that way ever since. It’s the only thing I miss, I’d be quite content here otherwise.”

Readers will be pleased to hear that The Snakebird Gold PikeletCycle Gang, hearing of Prince Algernon’s plight, have now started making weekly trips to deliver him pikelets. (From a country unfortunate enough not to have pikelets? See what you’ve been missing out on here)

*An update from the Department of Dangerous Flora & Fauna: the berry Prince Algernon accidentally ate has been identified as a Stonefaceberry. There have been several other recorded cases of Stonefaceberritis in Klah history, including this unfortunate man below, once an aspiring jazz dancer, now bodiless:

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Stay safe, citizens.

First Mokkimfrazzler Installed at Calembourish Park, Hope for Those Affected by Mokkims

Mokkimfrazzler Installed at Berlonei Park, Hope For Those Affected By MokkimsSir Nikolai tests out the new Mokkimfrazzler, gifted by scientists to Calembourish Park on Saturday.

A new Mokkimfrazzler was installed at Calembourish Park on Saturday, bringing widespread joy to citizens. The Mokkimfrazzler is a revolutionary piece of technology designed by scientists to save Klah from bad jokes (or Mokkims as they are called in native Klah), which have become a huge problem in many parts of the country in recent years. Hospitals in Klah have become increasingly inundated with patients presenting cringe-related injuries and many social events have suffered as people opt to stay home not speaking to one another or wearing ear muffs. The Mokkimfrazzler works by extracting the toxins that contribute to the urge to make a bad joke, while simultaneously using a series of high frequency vibrations to reintroduce good humour to the brain. Sir Nikolai was amongst the first to test it out on Saturday, which was particularly fitting as his famously awkward, pun-filled speech at the Snikkler Festival last year has not yet faded from public memory. The Mokkimfrazzler therapy takes only 93 seconds per person, and is reportedly a rather pleasant experience, likened to being tickled on the hand with a feather duster while watching a comical skit. Queues on Saturday morning were rather long, with people bringing themselves or being accompanied by concerned & fed-up relatives, but by Saturday afternoon scores of people had been treated and there were genuine smiles of relief all round. Citizens could be seen tentatively striking up conversation with one another, realising it was finally safe to do so. The Klah Gazette interviewed Sir Nikolai after his treatment and we are pleased to announce he appears to be cured. “I feel fantastically invigorated,” he said, beaming his famous smile. “It’s like a whole new world has just opened up to me, a world free from the shackles of bad puns”.

 

New Collection from Deep Within the Cave of Rumours

Cave-of-RumoursCave of Rumours, Northern Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

Beloved citizens,

We bring you the fourth instalment of Kingdom of Klah Official Royal Garments from deep within the Cave of Rumours (above). Rumour has it that due to a strange mineral abnormality, everything made within the cave becomes magnificent, while another rumour suggests that the rumours are true. After creating the new winter range in the heart of the cave, we hope you will agree that the rumours appear to be well founded. The first shipments to our Royal Stockists have just set out on the perilous journey from the cave, armed with bayonets and snacking nuts, as the surrounding jungle is known for its wild panthers and steep terrain.

You can also view the new range here: shop.kingdom-of-klah.com. As our current Royal Master Artist is heading to Europe soon to expand the Kingdom’s Royal Allies, the Kingdom advises citizens to act now, as many items will be very limited.

Left: The Snakebird Gold Pikeletcycle Gang,  Right: The Mask