Royal Master Artist Journeys Inside Snake

Three days ago I went inside a really long snake under the sea
and when I emerged I was in yet another foreign land, the land of Engle.
It was cold in the reptile, and strange, I had thoughts of Geppetto, but no sooner had a darkness begun to press in on my thoughts, I was expelled, awkwardly, but alive, and with less snake innards on my sweater than expected.
Fortunately someone was filming for your viewing pleasure:

Magnus Magic-Hands wins people’s prize for coolest burglar in Klah


Change is a natural part of human life. Many people change their homes, their jobs, their interests, and sometimes their underwear. A few change into butterflies, or frogs, or wisened old people. Not many are able to change their body parts at will however – in fact Magnus P. Smithson is certainly the only person any of us at the Klah Gazette has heard of, and we even asked the delivery boy, who seems to know many characters both unsavoury and sweet, which are apparently different things.

Ever since he found himself adrift in the strange current of life, Magnus P. Smithson, also known as Magnus Magic-Hands, has always been both the easiest, and most difficult person to buy gloves for. This is not because he has fingers like fat little sausages or has no interest in glove fashion trends, but because he was born with the strange ability to be able to change his hands as one may change mind, or their hairstyle, if one were in a magical wig factory of infinite proportions. Early on, on he discovered this strange talent led to another talent: the ancient art of burglaring, for not only could he use some of his more powerful hands to snip through locks and lift large objects out of the way, he never left a traceable fingerprint. Perhaps because his mother was a plumber, and his mother’s mother had been a magpie, he also had a penchant for silver taps, and a house devoid of the usual gemstones and rare artworks, but also taps, became his signature burglar mark. For some unexplainable reason, as many things the population likes are unexplainable, to be burgled by Magnus Magic-Hands rapidly became desirable, as if one had been selected personally by Magnus as a vote of popularity, and many front doors started mysteriously being left open, and ladders conveniently left next to windows. People who had recently been burgled began to hold elegant parties in their tapless homes, though these generally didn’t last long when people realised they couldn’t slick their hair back in the mirror, and that nobody was washing their hands. And now the people themselves have returned this vote of popularity, with Magnus taking out number 1. in the heated bi-annual Coolest Burglar in Klah competition, beating long time classic favourite and only other entrant, the Burglavorous.

Many hands are raised for you tonight, Magnus.

Klah’s Rare Musical Note Found to Improve Social Lives

jules-seatoun-rogerThe Earl of Whippet (above), with Roger (further above)

Many things exist in Klah that do not exist in other countries, such as ice cream made from twigs, and twigs made from ice cream. There are lakes that seize people and turn them into blueberries, levitating rocks, shrubberies with Foresight, and musical busking trees – and on that note, there is also a rare musical sound found only in Klah, the elusive K-minor, which has usefully been described by those who have heard it as a cross between a seahorse and a snacking quiche.

Although the K-minor can be produced from within, it cannot be produced very often by the average voicebox – that is, unless one has recently feasted on the liver of the Klangfarbenmelodie Bird (K-bird). Since a national awareness campaign was started in the ’90s, most citizens of Klah now recognise the K-birds’ right to life over their own desire to produce a seahorse + snacking quiche noise – unfortunately, with the exception of another of Klah’s natural phenomena, their special breed of native singing cat, who make it a policy to catch and gobble every Klangfarbenmelodie Bird they can find, and then belt out all their favourite tunes in K-minor.

For this reason many K-birds develop a symbiotic relationship with others, such as the Earl of Whippet, pictured here  with his good friend Roger. The Earl is able to defend Roger from liver-stealing cats, and in turn Roger, particularly on wild journeys through swamps and jungles, protects the Earl from being troubled by insects such as bloodsucking Vacuumflies and stinging Saltbeetles. “Not to mention our great chats”, says the Earl. “There is something comforting about having a little voice on top of your head, not just in it. And now when I get invited to banquets and raves, I always have my + 1 sorted.”vaccumfly3

Ancient Sign Makes Dramatic Comeback in Klah to Speak Louder than Ugly Mutterings


The Mark of the Citizens of the World, which welcomes those migrating, and those that have to leave their homes for various reasons. Beyond entrances displaying the sign, such people can expect to find compassion and assistance for their difficult journey. Although Klah is home to a magnificently diverse population that has historically always been equal regardless of the shape of their hands or the colour of their flippers, and who have always been free to flow from home to home just as a river changes course – more recently there has been some unpleasant discussion on the movement of peoples, an ugly muttering with the potential to spark a fire of fear and burn Klah to the ground. This tension has been brought on by environmental events such as the mysterious drainage of southern sea caves, as well as conflicts in the east between Evergreen and Deciduous trees, who cannot seem to agree on life philosophies, and has resulted in the displacement of many creatures. The ancient Mark of the C.o.t.W has experienced a dramatic comeback recently, as citizens everywhere employ it in a commendable effort to visibly counteract the ugly mutterings and embrace their fellow siblings of Klah. “My heart feels swizzlated whenever I see the Mark”, says Engelbert Boterham,  a young tree-dwelling citizen displaced by the eastern conflicts, on the road to a new home of unknown destination. “I have always believed the gloriousness at the heart of Klah is the understanding that all walks of life have hopes, and dreams, and feelings. People were letting these mutterings fog their minds of this equation, and its answer, compassion. To me the Mark shines back through like a glorious beacon, and I jig when I see it, which means I’m now jigging a lot, which is also fantastic.”


Chaotic Family Aces Evolution, Aces Life


A member of the Browface family, exhibiting both an impressive set of eyebrows, and an impressive feat of evolution.

For twelve generations the Browfaces have lived in the desert of Parch-Rah, a sparse region of Klah bathed in an average of 365.25 days of sunlight a year, and although the original Browfaces arrived with their pockets bulging with sunglasses of all shapes and sizes, they soon found that for several reasons this approach was impractical. This was partly because they were the kind of people who needed back up housekeys for their back up housekeys, and had to wear sandals because they could never find any socks – for they were always losing things, and naturally their sunglass reserves quickly dwindled, and then became a distant memory, existing only in the tales of their pilgrimage to Parch-Rah passed down to their children. Secondly, the Browfaces had left their lives as statue polishers in the south to come to the desert and farm Guinea Tiffles, large birds with resplendent feathers which are collected and used to make capes for fashionable city dwellers. Guinea Tiffles are very suspicious creatures, and due to their large talons and powerful beaks, it is important to win their trust. As you yourself may have experienced, it is very hard to trust someone with dark plastic shields covering their eyes (or soul-holes as they literally translate to in Guinea Tiffle). After several useful limbs were lost and much time was wasted in long battles trying to collect the feathers, it was at this point the Browface family began a very clever feat of evolution – as each generation was born, their eyebrows grew longer, stronger, and bushier, and before long they had created their own natural sun protection for their soul-holes. It is said the Guinea Tiffles now trust the Browfaces so much that they even disclose to them their most personal secrets. Now the family has not only made a name for themselves as esteemed Guinea-Tiffle farmers, but have found their way into science textbooks throughout Klah.


A resplendent example of a Fashionable City Dweller’s Guinea-Tiffle Cape



The Eyes of Unknown Intent

Mystic-Charles,-Meadow,-Eyes-webThe Royal Master Artist amongst potential friends, potential enemies

Sometimes, when one wanders alone in a forest, and the light is dim and the shadows strange, and you begin to wonder if indeed a wrong turn was taken, or if perhaps that conga line of jiving bears would have been best joined rather than avoided – because safety in numbers might be a real thing – sometimes, at these moments The Eyes appear. Not suddenly, like an exploding crab, or with warning like an undergrowth crashing, squealing Sealhog, but silent as a cloud of secrecy, mysterious as the cry of a distant beast in the night, and more ominous than a vanished sock from the wash.

Or are they ominous? Speculation has been rife recently, for no one really knows just what they are up to, for they do not speak or keep diaries,  just hover, and stare, and blink, and thus they have earned the name The Eyes of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

Some groups such as the Over Protective Society have called for them to be arrested, or taxed, or made to wear dark glasses. Recently Klah’s Royal Master Artist, fed up with such uninformed judgement, publicly declared “innocent until proven guilty!” and strode out into the forest alone to determine if the blinks are really some kind of morse code, and to discover just what motivates these mysterious beings. After spending a number of weeks with a colony of Eyes, she believes she may have begun to decode their language.

“So far I have translated this:

Y-O-U – H-A-V-E – V-E-R-Y – F-I-N-E – E-Y-E-S

How lovely. Or is it sleazy? Or just an unusual cultural greeting? Or …are they about to steal my eyes?  I’m very torn between staying to find out, and needing my eyes for my hobbies such as albino stick collecting and truck driving”.

Nobody knows where The Eyes appear from, or how they come to be at all, but the Klah Gazette would like to note the disproportionately high number of blind corners in forests known to contain The Eyes Of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

While the Royal Master Artist is deliberating on making a retreat, hopeful Royal Master Artist candidates may wish to ready their CVs.



Native Sealhog Nominated for NCIK

Klah-Native-SealhogThe native sealhog of Klah, who spends his nights snoring so loudly other forest creatures are forced to migrate great distances, and spends his days crashing loudly through the undergrowth, screaming and squealing like a deranged smoke alarm, has been nominated in the Noisiest Creature in Klah competition. The sealhog is normally found romping around in seaside forests, and many of those who live in these areas have been forced to erect sealhog-proof fences around their properties, covered in sponges and bits of foam to absorb the racket.  You would think, with all this excessive clatter that the sealhog could not possibly manage to catch any prey and that the species should surely have starved to death long ago, but in fact, due to the amount of time his mouth is gaping wide open, a surprising amount of flying grubs and fish find their way into his cavernous mouth.

The Noisiest Creature in Klah competition ends May 7th and the winner will receive a powerful megaphone.