The Eyes of Unknown Intent

Mystic-Charles,-Meadow,-Eyes-webThe Royal Master Artist amongst potential friends, potential enemies

Sometimes, when one wanders alone in a forest, and the light is dim and the shadows strange, and you begin to wonder if indeed a wrong turn was taken, or if perhaps that conga line of jiving bears would have been best joined rather than avoided – because safety in numbers might be a real thing – sometimes, at these moments The Eyes appear. Not suddenly, like an exploding crab, or with warning like an undergrowth crashing, squealing Sealhog, but silent as a cloud of secrecy, mysterious as the cry of a distant beast in the night, and more ominous than a vanished sock from the wash.

Or are they ominous? Speculation has been rife recently, for no one really knows just what they are up to, for they do not speak or keep diaries,  just hover, and stare, and blink, and thus they have earned the name The Eyes of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

Some groups such as the Over Protective Society have called for them to be arrested, or taxed, or made to wear dark glasses. Recently Klah’s Royal Master Artist, fed up with such uninformed judgement, publicly declared “innocent until proven guilty!” and strode out into the forest alone to determine if the blinks are really some kind of morse code, and to discover just what motivates these mysterious beings. After spending a number of weeks with a colony of Eyes, she believes she may have begun to decode their language.

“So far I have translated this:

Y-O-U – H-A-V-E – V-E-R-Y – F-I-N-E – E-Y-E-S

How lovely. Or is it sleazy? Or just an unusual cultural greeting? Or …are they about to steal my eyes?  I’m very torn between staying to find out, and needing my eyes for my hobbies such as albino stick collecting and truck driving”.

Nobody knows where The Eyes appear from, or how they come to be at all, but the Klah Gazette would like to note the disproportionately high number of blind corners in forests known to contain The Eyes Of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).

While the Royal Master Artist is deliberating on making a retreat, hopeful Royal Master Artist candidates may wish to ready their CVs.



Native Sealhog Nominated for NCIK

Klah-Native-SealhogThe native sealhog of Klah, who spends his nights snoring so loudly other forest creatures are forced to migrate great distances, and spends his days crashing loudly through the undergrowth, screaming and squealing like a deranged smoke alarm, has been nominated in the Noisiest Creature in Klah competition. The sealhog is normally found romping around in seaside forests, and many of those who live in these areas have been forced to erect sealhog-proof fences around their properties, covered in sponges and bits of foam to absorb the racket.  You would think, with all this excessive clatter that the sealhog could not possibly manage to catch any prey and that the species should surely have starved to death long ago, but in fact, due to the amount of time his mouth is gaping wide open, a surprising amount of flying grubs and fish find their way into his cavernous mouth.

The Noisiest Creature in Klah competition ends May 7th and the winner will receive a powerful megaphone.

Mysterious Time Travel Archway Raises Questions


Two weeks ago this mysterious archway appeared overnight in the small inland town of Leatherham, formally known only for producing the toughest meat in the country. Since its arrival on the edge of the town, many people have crossed through the arch, but it is still not known what is on the other side as none that have passed through have returned. This has raised many questions such as:

  • Does it really lead to the future or is it perhaps a ravenous black hole with a clever disguise?
  • Is the future overrun with dangerously violent beasts such as poisonous venom spitting penguins and all that have crossed through have succumbed to a terrible penguin disease?
  • Or is the future so brilliant that those who find their way there have no desire to return?

Those who are still entering the archway seem to believe the latter. The Klah Gazette interviewed a few of those making their way there about what they expected to find:

“I think in the future everyone has tusks, which would be really handy for keeping shopping lists and bits of snacking fruit on,” said an efficient looking woman sucking on a lemon.

“I think woolly mammoths have returned but this time they can fly and humans ride around on them and both the mammoths and humans wear flying goggles that shoot lasers at rainclouds and make them dissolve with cool fizzing sounds,” said an old man in slippers who looked like he may have ridden mammoths the first time round.

“I think open-neck linen shirts will be back in fashion” said an extremely hairy man.

Other archway-goers appear to have inadvertently wandered through because they were too lazy to read the giant flashing sign which is written in both English and native Klah. The Kingdom’s official position on the matter is that those who choose not to read are no great loss, and that those who choose to cross should take several packed lunches, anti-penguin venom (available from your local pharmacy) and an open necked linen shirt.

Tree Pursues Destiny

Tree-follows-destinyWhile out foraging for snizzleberries last week, Hetty Hobnob, a reporter from the Klah Gazette, witnessed a tree decide it was destined for more in life than sitting around hearing tales of the skies from the beaks of birds. She managed a brief interview as it sailed past:

Klah Gazette: This is an important moment in your life. How are you feeling?

Tree: Uplifted, uprooted, excited, and many other three syllable words that I don’t have time for right now.

Klah Gazette: Do you have any advice for those that might follow in your rootsteps?

Tree: Pack snacks and warm socks, these are my only regrets.

And with these wise words it became a speck in the sky of destiny.  

– Hetty Hobnob for The Klah Gazette

Carnivorous Chameleon-Foliage Discovered at Lake Ereinak

Foliage-Gazette The carnivorous chameleon-foliage at Lake Ereinak, West Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

This carnivorous chameleon-foliage was recently discovered near Lake Ereinak and is causing a great deal of controversy across Klah. The Society for the Protection of Bears Against Carnivorous Plants is concerned the foliage is posing as a bear to entice real bears over so it can eat them. The foliage insists it actually loves bears and just wants to congratulate them on being bears, and is even planning to give the next bear that visits him a prize of 1000 honeypots. No honeypots have yet been sighted by The Klah Gazette. We also spoke with the foliage’s dentist who reported seeing suspiciously bear-like hairs in his teeth, though he admitted they could also be from very hairy snails. A spokeswoman for The Society of the Prevention of Discrimination Against Plants, Ms Faux Tosynthesis, issued a statement yesterday concerned that “this is just another example of unfair discrimination against the vegetable kingdom. Why are there never any articles on all the sheep that brutally devour blades of grass all day long? I think you will find the figures are substantially higher and I for one find that far more newsworthy.”

The Klah Gazette Finally Achieves Exclusive Photoshoot with Baroness von Petnickle

Baroness-landscapeAfter a great deal of schmoozing and some several hundred letters with small treats enclosed as bribes, The Klah Gazette is excited to announce we have finally succeeded in a small but magnificent exclusive with the reclusive & elusive Baroness von Petnickle. Barely anyone has spoken to the Baroness since she ran away from home as a teenager on the back of a large harrier hawk, carrying only a ball of twine and a piece of half-eaten toast. For years sightings were reported from various central forests of Klah, witnesses describing an extremely well-dressed and glorious woman hurtling past them astride a golden antelope, tearing through the undergrowth surrounded by leopardhogs, or swinging through the trees with the notoriously surly native tamarinds (Saguinus oldmannus). These days the Baroness lives in a castle built from sticks and moss at the top of a tall tree, accompanied by an extraordinary variety of pets. She now speaks 38 languages, 36 of which are animal based, can identify edible fungi by scent alone, and catches insects with her tongue. A true inspiration.


Above: The Baroness with two Pineapple birds, which as their shape implies, are indeed descended from pineapples. Unlike most birds, they will not eat berries or fruit as they feel it is carnivorous, opting instead for wholegrains and a selection of nuts.

baroness_snakeAbove: The Baroness with her pet snake Clarence. Clarence works part-time as an eyebrow model enjoys long slithers on the beach, and is one of the Baronesses closest companions.

The Baroness wears The Wolf-Fox, Sacred Feather, and Mystic Charles . Photographed by Nina van der Voorn for The Klah Gazette.

Citizens limber up for Jangjilly-Jive as Klahmas looms

Those of you outside of Klah may be unfamiliar with the coming festivities of Klahmas on December 25th, a national holiday where citizens gobble large quantities of small cakes, dance the Jangjilly-Jive and give each other magnificent gifts such as ear-trumpets, spangly hoof-warmers and, most importantly, Official Royal Garments. With less than a week to go, many citizens have begun doing warm up stretches in preparation for the Jangjilly-Jive, and tailors are making a fortune repairing ripped pantaloons as citizens overestimate their athletic abilities. Several readers have written to us concerned that they can’t remember the correct order of Jive moves, and relaying horror stories of poorly timed kicks knocking cakes and hats and great-aunts flying, so we asked renowned dancer Horatio Simpopple to provide a demonstration of the traditional dance:


Merry Klahmas and Happy Jangjilly-Jiving, citizens.